4th Quarterly Post-Op Visit With Urologist

I had my fourth quarterly post-op visit with my urologist this morning. It seemed kind of anti-climactic since my PSA is so far, undetectable.

Improving

I’m recovered/recovering from prostatectomy.

My aim is back to normal. I don’t wear a pad during the day. I need to wear a pad at night. I’ve found in the last week that if I have to get up at night to pee that I inevitably am slightly damp in the morning. I went a few weeks without a pad. I’m still trying to do better with my kegels.

I no longer leak if I laugh, cough, sneeze, or fart, but I sometimes do if I bend over and don’t remember to hold it.

Dating

The urologist told me it can be up to three years for sexual function to return, so two years to go…. That’s been the most disheartening part of this whole thing. I don’t have a girlfriend, so I use that situation to tell myself that it doesn’t really matter.

I haven’t been in a relationship for seven or eight years now. I’ve lost track. I quit dating as I was disgusted with the results of online dating. I’ve been thinking about dating. I’ve held off waiting to see if my PSA results are still undetectable. I don’t feel it’s fair to get into a relationship while I’m fighting for my lift. I’m still not considered cured of cancer, but all signs point to it.

I’ve never been much of a dater. I’m a loner and homebody. My interests and hobbies tend to have few women, and the women that are involved are usually wives and girlfriends of others in the hobby. Or if they are single, they are there for the hobby and not seeking a relationship.

I suppose relationships happen naturally when you are in an environment where you encounter someone with mutual interests. But both the COVID-19 pandemic and dealing with prostate cancer has taken up my mental and emotional energy.

Now that things are going well with the cancer issue, I’m wanting companionship. But COVID-19 is spiking again because fools who care nothing for the rights of others refuse to wear masks, wash their hands, or get vaccinated. They’d rather take anti-parasite medication that could kill them than trust in the science of approved vaccines.

I just don’t get how anyone with a smallpox scar can rail against established protocols for fighting disease, such as vaccines. But as my Mom often said, “Common sense ain’t so common.”

So dating over 50 just gets more challenging.

Thinking About Retirement

At least I’m healthy. I’m slowly losing weight, my diabetes is under control, and I’m whittling away my debt as I look forward to retirement sometime in the next ten years. That is, ten years from my birthday at the end of the month until I can get full Social Security retirement benefits. I could retire in five years if I have all of my debts paid off by then.

Lack Of Motivation

My motivation/enthusiasm/desire to do things is at a low. The hot summer we had here in Southwest Michigan was a good reason to stay inside. I’m simultaneously stir crazy and wanting to go on adventures, and don’t want to do anything.

I have only left Kalamazoo County once since the pandemic started, and that was to go to Battle Creek in the neighboring county to see my youngest son and his girlfriend’s new house. Until I met them for supper this past weekend, I had it in my head that I hadn’t left the county since before the pandemic hit.

Now the pandemic is surging with the Delta variant that is more contagious. I want to go meet my first grand nephew, but I don’t want to risk taking the plague to family or bringing it back home.

My granddaughter started first grade and while they require masks and do lots of handwashing and use hand sanitizer regularly, I am concerned about that.

I was in such a good headspace when the pandemic started. Then I had my cancer diagnosis. When I woke up from surgery, my existential dread of NOT waking up was cured, and I was high on life for a bit. But the whole pandemic vibe on top of my natural inclination to keep to myself has just multiplied over nearly two years of the pandemic. This past March marked six years since I started working from home.

My only daily human interaction is with my oldest son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter. But that’s only because they live with me.

I talk to colleagues over Teams and customers on the phone during the week. I play in a Roll20 game on Wednesdays, but we do voice only, no video. I run a Roll20 game on Sundays, again, voice only. My other interactions are on Twitter, Facebook, and Discord.

There is so much that I “need” to do. Much I want to do, but the desire to follow through is nonexistent. I’m boing to a game convention in October and another in November and another in March, 2022. All of them will follow current health advise. The one in October is requiring proof of vaccination or a negative COVID-19 test. I also plan to wear a mask.

I’m sure things will get better. Being around people at a convention will be a nice change of pace. I just have to keep plugging away.