I was numb at the news at first. I tend to be a very logical methodical person when presented with a problem.
I made a decision for surgery, and felt that it was the best one for me. However, I had all of the second guessing, doubts, fears, and existential dread we all face.
At one point, I was talking on the phone with one of my brothers, and he advised to just focus on the “Litany Against Fear,” from the novel Dune. I must say, having something to focus one’s fear on did help.
My surgery was supposed to be in July, but didn’t happen until August. The one good thing about waiting that long is that my worry just sort of evaporated. I still had some, but the worst melted away from just having to wait so long.
I had many nights with difficulty falling asleep. This is nothing new to me. I have a very active mind, and I think of all kinds of things that keep me awake.
For the past couple of years, I have watched ASMR videos on YouTube to unwind and fall asleep. This definitely helps distract my mind enough to fall asleep when I otherwise couldn’t.
I am currently single (divorced nearly ten years). Not having a partner to share this with has been tough. I really wanted someone to hold close, but it was just me.
My oldest son, his wife, and their daughter live with me, but it’s not the same to share with them. I did in general terms, but not the full dread of existential angst. Just having them here was good during the pandemic, as I would not otherwise get to see my granddaughter.
I faced my existential angst by making plans. This wasn’t true acceptance, but a form of bargaining. I gathered up all my credit cards, truck title, and a list of all my assets for estate planning. If I didn’t make it through surgery, I didn’t want my family to have to deal with figuring out how to settle my estate. I saw the chaos of my maternal grandfather’s death and funeral experience. He told us it was all planned. It wasn’t. The funeral director said that often when the spouse dies, the surviving spouse often says, “I want it just like my wife’s/husbands’ funeral.” and then never really plan it or pay for it. Even if you are young and healthy, plan for your death so your loved ones don’t have to.
I was also angry. I was mad at myself, my parents, my ex-wife, all for things they couldn’t control. It was easy to seethe in that anger, but that phase basically passed quickly. I quickly realized there was not much point in my anger, and just couldn’t sustain it.
Depression was very real. I feared not waking up from anesthesia. Having a stroke, heart attack, or any complication of some sort during surgery leading to death. I like being alive and want to see my grandchildren have children. I’ve got things I want to do that I hope to complete before my time ends. I just toughed it out and kept my mind occupied. I am sure I should have sought some sort of counseling or other support. My biggest symptom was how hard it was to wake up for work, or avoid sleeping past Noon on the weekends.
Acceptance was when time ran out the few days before surgery and I didn’t have a will and had other minor things I really wanted done ahead of time. I knew I would walk in the hospital and either be wheeled out in a wheelchair or a mortuary gurney.
I went over 24 hours without solid food, as I quit eating after supper on Wednesday about 7:30 PM. Surgery was on Friday. My oldest son went with me to the surgery. We waited less than 15 minutes to be called back to surgery prep. They verified things, asked questions, had me swab each nostril with a cotton swab coated in iodine, brush my teeth and gums with some solution to sterilize my mouth. Finally, I used these special wipes, six total, one for each arm, leg, front and back of torso. They put in my IV. The surgeon and anesthesiologist came in and asked final questions and answered mine. Then I was wheeled back to surgery. The Anesthesiologist and her team did a back up IV since it is tight quarters once the robot is in place. They gave me oxygen and added the anesthesia to it.
The next thing I know, I’m in recovery and my brain is in the thickest fog. I just can’t wake up. My son was disappointed I was not more silly in the things I said.
I was wheeled back to my room and slowly my brain became more and more clear. The fear was gone, I woke up! I was alive! Now I just had to heal up!
Learn More About the Five Stages of Grief
The five stages of grief are:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
A model of grief developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
Don’t be a stubborn idiot like I was. Find someone to talk out your fears.
Men's Health in My Perspective 